Friday, May 30, 2008

Just Do Your Joke

Whenever I did stand-up comedy, it always irked me when comics would segue into their next joke by asking an obvious "yes" question. An example would be a comic that has a joke about traffic, and segues into it by starting with "Don't you guys just hate traffic?" then waiting for a response. It would annoy the crap out of me. Yes, we all hate traffic! Just do your joke!! If the response was "No, we love traffic!" - would they have skipped that joke? Unlikely!

I wanted to develop this into a joke itself but never did, for fear of getting jumped at the bar. There was one time I asked the audience, "So, do you guys like movies?" and then just went into my next joke. I don't think they got it. So if any comics happen to read this, you can safely assume that all audiences: hate traffic, are frustrated with cellphone coverage and find dating to be difficult. No need to ask. Just do your joke.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I'm turning 30 in a little less than two weeks and I've decided to do something different - I'm going to embrace the hell out of it. It seems a lot of people are sad or ambivalent about turning 30 but I'm going to take it and run. 30 is a great number. It's like my favorite number 9. Times 3. Plus an additional 3.

I remember one friend told me turning 28 was a downhill slide into 30. Sometimes I feel old, sometimes I look old, as evidenced by the white chest hair I found last night. Seriously, God? My chest needs to have white hair, too? Is it to match the white hair in my goatee? But anyway, I don't feel like I'm behind at this point. I've got a wonderful girl, a decent job and I'm happy with life.

However, I have noticed I get more cautious as I get older. Ten years ago, I would have jumped my bicycle off a massive dirt hill and felt an adrenaline rush, as I head back to do it again. Now, I make sure my safety gear is on and the tires are properly inflated. So I'm not afraid of you, 30. You hear me? I'm going to dive into 30 head first. I'm just going to make sure my helmet is secure first.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

When I Grow Up

When I was in kindergarten, we had to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we were older. Other kids were drawing themselves as an astronaut or shortsop for the Dodgers. But me? I wanted to be a garbage man. Because I thought they only worked one day a week. They picked up our trash on Mondays, so they must have the rest of the week off, right? You can imagine my dreams were crushed when I saw trash cans out on a Wednesday in another area of the Valley.

Another childhood dream I had was to work at a gas station because I thought they were the only place that had squeegees.

No wonder the teacher and my parents thought I was retarded.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Genius Idea #36 - Celebrity American Gladiators

I admit I am moderately addicted to the new version of American Gladiators. It's cheesy, it's larger than life and it is awesome. For the record, I always root for the Gladiators. It's like rooting for the home team in baseball - you just have to do it. So while laying in bed last night, I was suddenly struck with Genius Idea #36 - Celebrity American Gladiators. Better than that, I think they should bring in some rivalries (real or fictional) to be settled in Gladiator Arena.

My dream match-up would be Ralph Macchio vs. Billy Zabka, a real life rematch of the fictional Daniel LaRusso vs. Johnny Lawrence feud from The Karate Kid. Granted, in American Gladiators, the contenders don't actually fight or wrestle each other, but it would give Billy a chance to prove superiority. "There is no mercy in Gladiator Arena, is there?" "No, sensei!" Hands down, Lawrence would win this one.

Other potential match-ups: Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson and a Saved by the Bell Smackdown: Zack vs. Slater. Surely, this would save their sagging ratings. Who's got a contact number for NBC Universal?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Daily Four

The California Lottery added a new game starting today called the Daily 4. Thank God, because I was looking for something a little bit more challenging than Daily 3, but not nearly as intimidating as Fantasy Five. I swear, it's like California Lottery has been reading my wish list.

Friday, May 16, 2008

I Hate the Wave

Ah, if only The Wave was embodied as a human...I would punch it in the face (assuming it was smaller than me and couldn't fight back). Yes, I know I risk alienating my readers by admitting that I hate the wave. (And to answer your initial question, no, I do not support the terrorists.) Simply put, the wave sucks. It's annoying, distracting and usually initiated by a drunk and/or an asshole.

It may have started off as a good idea to get a crowd into a sporting event, but now it's whenever there is a lull in action. It's done out of boredom. If you're bored at a sporting event, go home. If you're bored at a movie or at your friend's house, you leave. You don't sit in the theater and try to do the wave when Lord of the Rings gets a little slow. At a sporting event, I enjoy talking to whomever I'm with, but otherwise I'm there for the game. I don't go to the art museum to bake cookies, I don't go to a noisy bar to read a book and I will not participate in your wave.

Damn you, Krazy George or whoever really started this atrocity.

PS - I have the same stance regarding beach balls at sporting events. I dream of the day when I can latch onto a beach ball at Dodger Stadium and deflate it in front of everyone.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Born Standing Up

I finished reading Born Standing Up by Steve Martin, and I recommend it. Steve recollects memories about his rise to stardom. He started out as a magician working at Disneyland's magic shop, then doing shows at Knott's Berry Farm before eventually winding up in stand-up comedy. In the late '70s/early '80s, he was the hottest act around. He won two Grammy awards for his top selling comedy albums and was performing to audiences of thousands each night. The amazing thing is...he walked away from it all. He kinda felt burned out and had gotten frustrated with aspects of fame, particularly after he was rushed to a hospital and a nurse asked him to autograph his EKG chart.

It's an enjoyable book, probably even moreso if you've tried to be a comedian or entertainer. There are stories about his childhood and reconnecting with his family that are touching, as well. He relates a couple of his abandoned bits as well, including my favorite one where he would say to the audience, "How many of you have never raised your hand before?" Genius. I'm moving The Jerk up to the top of my Netflix queue.

Now if only we could get Dane Cook to retire from stand-up.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Cellphones N' Bathrooms

The bathroom at my work is outside of our offices and shared with other businesses. One time I walked in and heard someone talking. No one was around but I did notice a pair of feet sticking out under the stall, and surmised it was a cellphone conversation. I did my business at the urinal, then debated about whether or not I should flush.

Would it be rude to interrupt this guy's conversation? Does the person he's talking to even know this guy is sitting on the toilet right now? Would I ruin their business transaction and this guy's future by flushing?

I debated for a few more seconds, then decided to flush. *WHOOSH!* (Yes, our bathrooms have cartoon-like sound effects)

If you're going to talk on your cellphone in the bathroom, you run the risk of any and all sounds being heard by the person on the other end. But just in case I did ruin this guy's business, I washed my hands quickly and sped out.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Great News, Everyone!

The heart of rock and roll is STILL beating!! For a while there, I was worried.

After watching this video, I want a fog machine in my car. That looks awesome.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

One Piece at a Time

Like many people, I became a fan of Johnny Cash in recent years. One of my favorite songs he sings is called "One Piece at a Time." The narrator in the song works on an assembly line for Cadillac. Knowing he can never afford one, he steals auto parts to build his own car at home one day. He steals the parts over many years (1949-1973) but by the time he goes to put it together, nothing fits! I highly suggest you check the song out.

The best part of it - a vehicle was built from the parts described in promotion of the song. Check out the photo above and the Wikipedia article for a little more info. I think it looks pretty badass. I would love to own a 1949-1973 Cadillac.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Lamest Work Meeting Ever

At my old job, I had what I'd easily consider my worst meeting ever. It was standard procedure for someone to write up a project request, then pass it off to our boss who would approve or reject it, depending on if enough details were provided. Then our boss would bring it downstairs and someone would start working on it. Pretty easy, right?

This one particular time, my boss called me into her office to review this project request with her. I glanced at the paper and it looked like a very detailed write-up. My boss then proceeded to "review" the project by reading it to me word for word. She provided absolutely zero further information or insight. After being bored to tears for the 3-5 minute storytime, I think that's when I started looking for a new job.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Here's 39 Cents

I hated this song ("The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson) and thought it had dumb lyrics:

So I made my own version with equally retarded lyrics:

Enjoy. :)

Thursday, May 1, 2008

To Each Dork, Their Own

I overheard two programming nerds from our IT division talking about the elliptical machine in the gym. They were curious to crack it open and take a look at the software / programming within. They both concluded it was probably written in "C." (Whatever that means.) I thought it was an extremely dorky conversation to have. But later that morning, I read a blog about who would win in a fight between Superman and Thor, and it made perfect sense to me. I even commented on said blog. Twice.

The lesson here: to each dork, their own. :)

For the record, Thor would totally win that fight. They're pretty evenly matched, but Superman gets his powers from Earth's yellow sun. Thor controls the weather so they slug it out, while Thor makes it cloudly. Eventually, Thor wears him down and finishes him off with his magic hammer. Just like a six year old, Superman is vulnerable to magic. Game over.