Thursday, July 31, 2008

Best SNL Opening Ever

It's no secret that I'm a Steve Martin fan, but this has to be one of the best openings to SNL ever. I know SNL goes through cycles of being good and bad, blah blah blah, but this opening has stayed in my memory for well over 10 years.

Classic SNL lineup with Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Chris Farley, Kevin Nealon, Victoria Jackson, Tim Meadows, Julia Sweeney, etc. Adam Sandler and Chris Rock are also in this clip, though just kind of part of the ensemble. Steve Martin is a genius. I was glad to find this clip on MySpace this week:

Saturday Night Live - Not Gonna Phone it in Tonight

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


I'm sure people go for months or years in their lives without feeling like they've accomplished much of anything. But thanks to the glory that is the internet, that's all changed!

For example, one of the groups you can join on the social networking site Facebook is called (see photo) Can We Get All Facebook Users in One Group???? Just by the simple act of not joining, I can ruin the sole purpose of this group. I haven't felt this accomplished in months. I'm accomplishing something by not doing anything, which kind of makes me Buddhist.*

* Apologies to Daniel Tosh for lifting his joke.

Monday, July 28, 2008

What A Week

(Warning - contains spoilers for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Although, really - if I spoil this movie for you, you should thank me for freeing up two hours of your life with which you can do something more productive. Read a book.)

Let's suppose we sat down, and I told you about all the things I accomplished in one week, as follows:

- I traveled to France and used a remote-controlled helicopter with camera to find an inscription on the Statue of Liberty.
- I went to England, got arrested in Buckingham Palace, but then broke out and into the Queen's office to steal a wooden plank hidden in a desk.
- I used my estranged girlfriend to talk my way into the Oval Office to look for another wooden plank hidden in a desk.
- I forced the President to hold his birthday party at Mount Vernon by booking up all other available locations in the area.
- I snuck into the President's birthday party by swimming and using the old "tuxedo under a wet suit" trick.
- I kidnapped the President under the guise of exploring Mount Vernon, in order to get him alone and ask him about a book.
- I went to the Library of Congress, found information in said book, then outran FBI and police who are after me for kidnapping the President.
- I traveled to Mount Rushmore, got past several traps and found a lost city of gold buried underneath the monument.
- I got my girlfriend back and was then thanked by the President.

Would that sound like the most ridiculous week of my life ever or the plot to National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets?

If you guessed National Treasure, you are correct! This movie just earned a spot on my list of Worst Movies Ever Made. Look, I know you're supposed to suspend disbelief but come on. If it's a movie like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, they say there's they've mastered this branch of martial arts, and they can basically fly. Okay, got it. That's the field we're playing on. But look at all of the things Nicolas Cage accomplishes in the present day. Either his character is the highest level of genius in some alternate Earth or this movie is beyond absurd.

I'm going with absurd.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Favorite Comic Friday - Daniel Tosh

For this week's edition of Favorite Comic Fridays, I'm going with Daniel Tosh. Tosh is, without a doubt, my favorite comic these days. I first saw him at the Laugh Factory and instantly was a fan. I love that he's somewhat cocky and his comedy style is abrasive, which I know turns some people off. In a sense, you have to keep up with him. He just does joke after joke and keeps rolling into the next one. I've heard him say he sometimes keeps taking a joke farther and farther until only six people have a clue what he's talking about. I must be one of those six.

Take a look at this clip and go get the DVD this is from, called Completely Serious:

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

In Case of Apocalypse

I don't know where or how this started, but I love apocalyptic movies and books. I'm currently reading a young adult book series (shut up) that deals with an underground city after mankind nearly eliminates itself. The first book in the series, City of Ember, is coming out as a movie in October. I really enjoyed the 28 Days / Week Later films, and even though the ending kinda sucked, I liked I Am Legend.

I'm not sure why this genre intrigues me so. I think part of me sees these films and stories as guidelines for what to do in the event of apocalypse, zombie takeover or the rise of Cyberdyne Systems. I'm pretty safe in my current location - I live within walking distance of a police station (shotguns) as well as a Costco (massive food supplies). I think a part of me would be cool with a small zombie outbreak, as long as it attacked morons and people with the last names Hilton and Winehouse.

I previously was a fan of The Terminator series until someone pointed out to me (apologies, I forget who) that if the Terminators wanted to wipe out mankind, why didn't they go back to like the caveman days when we just figuring out how our thumbs worked?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

For Those About to Rock

Continuing my theme of silliness in the English language - I don't believe it is possible to be thunderstruck. Thunder is a sound. Somebody go tell AC/DC to change their song lyrics to LightningStruck.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Guess What

One of my favorite things in the world is when people say "Guess what?" The what is implied to be something so surprising and fantastic that you'll never guess what it is. So I always enjoy giving a few random and absurd guesses. Hardly anyone expects a response, so have fun with it! Whatever random guesses you come up with will surely outshine the what and make the person feel awkward. It's fun, trust me. Among my favorite responses to the question "Guess what?" are:

You had lunch with George Clooney.
Someone figured out how to make miniature pet elephants.
You started counterfeiting money and you need my help.
They're making Sk8er Boi into a Broadway musical.

Then their response of "My boss is letting us go home at 3pm" sounds really lame.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


If you want to stalk me or publish a biography someday, please include these five facts about me:

1) My favorite smell in the world is maple syrup. If I'm lazy and don't wash my plate after eating waffles, the syrup permeates the air for a while, and it is awesome.
2) I feel a little dangerous whenever I wear black underwear.
3) At the tender age of 24, I sent in an audtion tape for MTV's The Real World. I obviously got rejected.
4) I can grab a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and just dig in. That's how much I adore peanut butter.
5) I've conditioned my body for the 20 minute power nap. I've never tried it, but I imagine I could throw a casserole in the oven for 20 minutes and wake up exactly in time for a perfectly cooked dinner.

If this biography gets published, I'd like the title to be A Staggering Work of Heartbreak and Genius.

If said biography gets turned into a motion picture, I would like Will Ferrell to play me. I don't care how old he is.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Locked Cars

Part of a Catholic church ceremony is the receiving of Communion. During this part, people leave their seat, wait in line and receive a Communion wafer (unleavened bread), which symbolizes the body of Jesus Christ. It baffles me because most women take their purses with them when they go up to receive it. Hello - you're in church! The 7th Commandments says "Thou shalt not steal." It's even on the wall in some churches. I'm certain your purses are safe, ladies. And if there is a purse snatcher in attendance, I'm pretty sure they're going directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200, for such a stunt. Stealing in church? Come on.

By the same token - do I really need to lock my car in the church parking lot? I don't know...but I do it anyway.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Favorite Comic Friday - Brian Regan

Welcome to a new feature, cleverly titled Favorite Comic Friday. I'll spotlight one of my favorite comedians once a week, or at least keep it to Fridays. I have a list on the sidebar, but I'm picking someone else for the first edition - Brian Regan. I'm late getting on the Regan bandwagon, but I heard his name mentioned quite a bit. I believe he's a favorite of some of my comedian friends, so I bumped his DVD, Standing Up, up to the top of my Netflix queue, which we watched last night.

The first time I watch a stand-up DVD, I'm usually too critical and jealous to really enjoy it. Not so with this one. At quite a few points, both my girl and I were clutching our stomachs from laughing so hard. He's a clean observational comic and his material is clever. I don't recall hearing a single curse word on the entire DVD, which I really respect. According to his article on Wikipedia, he is incredibly friendly to his fans. This was obvious on the DVD when he comes back onstage for an encore and the fans are yelling out requests for jokes, like songs at a rock concert. Awesome.

Do yourself a favor and check out his DVD or some clips on YouTube. In the meantime, enjoy this hysterical clip I selected about UPS:

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Extra Ordinary

If something is ordinary, it's considered boring or unexceptional.

If something is extra, it's above what's expected, which is good. It's a bonus.

So if something is extraordinary, shouldn't that mean it's considered beyond boring? English is whack, yo.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I Wonder

You know how they have those $5 footlong sandwiches at Subway or Quizno's? I wonder what they'd do if you went in there and ordered a $5 footlong - 1/2 tuna, 1/2 meatball. Something to try on my lunch break, perhaps.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Sk8er Crap

I remember this incredibly disturbing story from a few years ago - Paramount Pictures optioned the song "Skater Boy" by Avril Lavigne to be made into a movie. (The actual song title is spelled "Sk8er Boi" but I refuse to type it that way more than once.) Yes, you read that right - they optioned a song for a film. What is the song about that intrigued Paramount execs so much? It's about the failed courtship between a skater boy and a preppy girl. The girl likes the guy, but rejects his advances out of peer pressure and regrets it later once he is famous. This isn't some 18-minute ballad detailing the Invasion of Normandy or the history of the Buffalo's a 3 1/2 minute pop song by an annoying Canadian.

Some of the genius lyrics include lines like: "He was a boy / She was a girl / Can I make it anymore obvious?" and also: "He was a skater boy / She said see ya later, boy" What in the hell was Paramount thinking???

Out of boredom and a random jarring of my brain, I looked it up on Wikipedia today, and here's what it says: "In 2003, Paramount Pictures optioned the song for adaptation into a feature film. However, as of April 2008, the film has apparently been abandoned or is stuck in development hell."

If you ever needed proof there is a God, please reference the latest development on this project.