Midget vs. Chimpanzee

I was reading up on Penn & Teller a little bit and came across the Wikipedia article for Penn's old radio show.  I was just kind of browsing it, when the story of a regular segment called Monkey Tuesday caught my eye.  If I may steal and condense from Wikipedia --

"Monkey Tuesday originated when Penn told a story of a party...where he had invited Tarzan, a performing chimpanzee and Arturo, a dwarf, forgetting that chimpanzees fight for dominance with people of small stature. Penn worked out a compromise: Tarzan and Arturo could both be at the party as long as they were in separate rooms. As an added measure of security, Penn and a posse of attendees armed themselves with knives.

However, Tarzan and Arturo met poolside and predictably, Tarzan charged Arturo. Rather than jump into the swimming pool as planned as chimps hate water (Chimps, lacking buoyant body fat, sink like rocks in water), Arturo hauled ass into Penn's house. Tarzan pursued Arturo but got distracted by the other guests. The guests shuttled the chimp into various rooms to allow Arturo to move around, and later found Arturo a tall bar stool to stand on. Tarzan, confused, decided not to challenge."

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

I had NO idea about this but think this is kind of awesome!  It's like when you invite a couple to your party, and then you realize they just broke up 2 weeks ago.  You want them both to be there and you hope there won't be problems but you know there will be.  I was relating this story to The Wife and before I got too far into it, she said to me, "We are not having a party at our house where you invite both a chimpanzee and a midget."

Dammit.  She knows me way too well.

Facebook Civil War

Below is a somewhat comical attempt to recreate some highlights from the Marvel Comics' story Civil War in a Facebook format. I probably should have prefaced this by saying that anyone but Tyler will probably not understand this. Yes, I was bored at work and wanted to attempt some humor with this. There were about 8 other plot points I considered adding in but I wanted to keep it somewhat short and hit a few beats.

Christmas Gift

We're way past Christmas, but I just wanted to share a photo of what The Wife's Christmas gift to me was. The hoodie fits me way better than it fits this guy in the photo.



It's pretty awesome...though I have yet to wear it out in public.

I think I have the best wife!

Awk. Ward.

I got an email from my high school about a Christmas thing this past weekend. It advertised an appearance by Santa, crafts and free breakfast. In my head, I pictured stacks of pancakes and muffins, and 10-15 local artists selling homemade crafts so we could pick up some Christmas gifts. The campus is maybe 5 minutes from where we live, so The Wife and I went to check it out. Plus, I figured I could show her where I went to school.

Here's what we ended up getting: Santa Claus (as promised!), mini-bagels and donuts (well, it was free) and tables set up with craft supplies so kids could make stuff (not a local artist in sight). Crap! We felt pretty weird since we have no child of our own and I don't want to look like a molester and/or kidnapper. Quick, time for Plan B: grab a bagel and donut (respectively) and then flee! That was a fine plan, you see, until a girl from my graduating class spotted me and said hello with her husband and kid. #$*(!, we've been seen! We talked for two awkward minutes and then got the heck out of there.

Not really how I envisioned my Saturday morning going but I have to give props to my Wife for going along with my stupid crazy ideas sometimes. Perhaps I should have emailed back for more information before we drove over there.

Long Beach Comic Con

The new Wife and I went to the Long Beach Comic Convention a few weekends ago. Overall, it was a letdown but what was interesting was the row of media celebrities available for autographs. Included in this row were: Josie Davis, most known for Charles in Charge; Tito Santana, former pro wrestler; Dave Ellefson, former bass player for Megadeth; and Deon Richmond, who I recognized from playing the Token Black Guy in Not Another Teen Movie. So in case you were wondering what minor league celebrities do with a free Sunday morning...this is it.

Deadliest Warrior

I had little interest in watching the show Deadliest Warrior on Spike when I saw the TV ads but after seeing my first complete episode, I declare this show AWESOME. Each episode takes a look at two different classes of fighters, analyzes their weapons and fighting styles, and uses "state of the art" technology to determine who would win in a fight between the two. It's a total guy show because only guys would sit around and debate would win in a fight between a Samurai and a Viking. Or a Spartan and a ninja. Or Superman vs. Thor.

It's an hour of testosterone that should come with the same warning as Cialis does - may cause an erection that lasts more than 4 hours.

Friday Night Plans - The Machine Girl

Tonight, my exciting plans involve watching The Machine Girl. I know next to nothing about the movie, but I'm going to go ahead and say it totally should have won the Best Picture Oscar. Come on - this movie is about a Japanese girl who gets her arm replaced with a gaitling gun out for revenge on the Yakuza. Move over, Slumdog!

Ever since my fiancee went out of town for a few weeks, I've bumped up all of the "Chris" movies on my Netflix queue, so I've been watching a lot of comic book, kung fu and zombie movies. Ah, if only someone would make a movie about a comic book hero with kung fu powers who has to save mankind from a zombie apocalypse. I'd give my left nut* to see that movie.

* - Not really, but I would be really, really excited.

Valentime's Day

Proof I have the greatest girl ever - she wanted to go to KFC for dinner tonight. I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

25 Things About Me

Yeah yeah, so I just copied and pasted it from Facebook. So what.

1. I saw a therapist for close to a year. Looking back on it, I don't know that it helped me out much.

2. The only year I've seen all of the Best Picture Nominees was 2007 - Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, Atonement and There Will be Blood. I wasn't that impressed with any of them.

3. I get ideas for movie scripts / sketches but...that's about as far as I get. I'm an "idea guy" but yet I'm still convinced I will write a genius screenplay someday, though.

4. I've been a Type I diabetic for more than half my life.

5. Sometimes I think I'm crazy but then wonder if I'm not - because would a crazy person would actually be aware they're crazy?

6. I like to cook but never follow a recipe exactly.

7. When I was little, my brother and I wanted to be a professional wrestling tag team when we grew up. Our team would have been called The Kiefer Konnection. We even sketched out what our outfits would look like.

8. I have signed up to volunteer for a few organizations in recent years but failed to follow through, which depresses me.

9. Black underwear makes me feel dangerous.

10. I would enjoy being a police officer but the lack of a functioning pancreas and not being in shape keep me from pursuing it. I can't imagine the police force would want a diabetic who could potentially pass out in the middle of arresting Mel Gibson.

11. I have sat down and given serious thought to who would win in a fight between Superman and Thor (the Marvel Comics version).

12. Recently, I was clocked at a typing speed of 74.8 WPM.

13. I'm surprised no one has made (or attempted to make) a movie version of the novels A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving, or Carter Beats the Devil by Glen David Gold. Both of those came across strongly in my head as a movie picturefilm.

14. I sometimes feel like a fraud in the world of graphic design. I've been on interviews or I read blogs where someone mentions something, and I'll think, "I've never heard of that before" or "I don't know how to do that."

15. My favorite band in the world is Better Than Ezra, and I've seen them in Hollywood, Anaheim, San Diego, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Phoenix, New Orleans, Boston, New York and Columbia, MO.

16. Both comedian Greg Behrendt and singer Nina Gordon have given me their private email addresses. That's about as close as I've come to actually being "in" with a "celebrity." I emailed each of them once and never heard back. They just told me whatever the next time I saw them.

17. At some point in my life, I'd like to have a job that actually makes a profound difference in someone's life. Even if it's just one person whose life I change.

18. I get celebrity crushes but they disappear quickly. Kate Winslet has remained pretty strong for a few years, though.

19. I truly would love to own a miniature pet elephant.

20. I've only been drunk once in my life and that was in New Orleans 4 years ago.

21. I'm really good at air guitar. There is a craft to it.

22. I honestly think if I became incredibly wealthy or famous, not that much about me would change. In fact, if I won the lottery, most of you wouldn't know.

23. I have a terrible memory. This came to me after we watched Lord of War, and a few days later, I could barely recall the plot. It makes me wonder why I even watch movies or read books if nothing sinks in, but I do.

24. I want to write and illustrate a children's book someday.

25. I can't stand Cuba Gooding Jr.

Mohinder!

As weird as this may sound, the following is true - I was on the radio Thursday morning. Well, my voice was, as I called the Kevin & Bean Afroline and left a message. It's a voicemail thing and they play back some of the bizarre or funny calls on the air and mine was chosen for Thursday morning's broadcast! I edited the clip down from the podcast, so you can listen to it.

It's dumb, but I basically sang a parody of Cheap Trick's "Surrender" but changed the lyrics to fit the TV show Heroes, and specifically the character of Mohinder. Take a listen here - Mohinder!

I've already established that I can't sing for crap, so need to tell me again. Wow, this turned into a Heroes-themed week all of a sudden. Have a great weekend everyone. Mohinder!

Superpowers

I'm being 100% serious when I say I hope to develop superpowers at some point in my lifetime. Any time I come down with a serious headache or illness, I secretly hope it's a superpower manifesting itself. Sadly, that has not happened. Yet.

Obviously, if given a choice, everyone would want to fly or turn invisible or something like that. I think the ability to stop time would be pretty dope, too. I'd only use that power once a year - to go rob a bank and get away with it. Hey...armored truck shows up and poof!, $250,000 mysteriously vanishes and I get to take a vacation.

I know freezing time has to be pretty popular, too, so my superpower of choice is to be a cryokinetic - the ability to freeze things! Iceman has long been my favorite member of the X-Men and I would be a HIT during the summer sweltering months here in southern California. Even just at a party - no need to buy ice, just invite Chris. I could also pull plenty of pranks by making douchebags slip on a sidewalk or encasing a coworker's mouse in a block of ice.

What superpower would you want?

Time Travel

Let me start off by saying I am not some genius-level physics expert. I am, however, a comic book dork and I think that qualifies me to speak about the topic of time travel. It's used pretty frequently in the TV show Heroes which, generally speaking, I love.

Spoiler alert for Heroes! In the Season 3 premiere, we have two time traveling characters - Peter who comes back from the future to stop something, and Hiro in the present day, who happened to screw up history last season. Let's address Future Peter first - he comes back in time and successfully prevents an event from happening that ruins his future. So, at that exact point, the timeline he came from should cease to exist, right? If that event never happened, then the course of events is altered and that Future Peter as we've known him in the last 5 minutes should cease to exist. But...he's still there. And still messing with stuff in the present day.

Now, onto Hiro - in last night's episode, he had something stolen from him, and needed to get it back. So, why doesn't he just go back in time to 3 seconds after it was stolen and steal it right back? I know Hiro said he didn't want to go to the past anymore, but he goes to the future. If you have time traveling powers, you essentially have unlimited redos. I would imagine each time you go back or forward and do something, that creates a different timeline. The course of events is changed each time, so there have to be at least 428 different timelines within the Heroes universe at this point.

Ugh, I'm getting a headache just typing this. Never mind.

Hulkamania

I recently finished reading the autobiography of Hulk Hogan. There was no one bigger than Hulk Hogan to my brother and I when we were youngsters. Sadly, Hulk left this important story out of his book -

In 1991, my brother and I were in the car with our Mom and Grandma, driving down Valley Circle Blvd. when Hulk Hogan drove past us on his motorcycle. Mom instantly recognized him but my brother and I weren't paying attention and didn't see him. A few yellow lights and miles later, we caught up to him at a gas station. Our Mom gave us a piece of paper for him to sign and we approached our hero to ask for his autograph. I was so nervous that I barely knew what to say. My brother was much cooler, of course, and asked if he was ready for his tag team match at Summerslam. He said he was confident he and The Ultimate Warrior would win (they did) and signed our paper, which my bro still has. I still think it's cool that Mom drove kinda crazy so we could catch up to him.

It was quite the moment for a pair of lifelong wrestling fans and Hulkamaniacs. This was the man that bodyslammed Andre the Giant! This was the man that give such thrilling interviews you believed every word when he shared the three commandments of Hulkamania: 1) train, 2) say your prayers and 3) take your vitamins.

His book is fairly entertaining, even if it glosses over quite a bit. It turns out my childhood hero had one major fear in his life, though - helicopters. So just keep that in mind, kids - even the Immortal Hulk Hogan is scared of something. Check out this great pre-match interview from Wrestlemania 4 where he tangled with Andre the Giant.

Thank Goodness She's Locked In

After last week's awesome Stormtrooper post, my friend Jenny posted a comment that read "It's a good thing you already have a fiancee. This article proves you are nothing but nerd. :p" I completely agree with that, so I've decided to add a new tag to my blog called Thank Goodness She's Locked In.

There are certain ideas I share with my fiancee and the minute they leave my mouth, I think to myself, "Thank goodness someone agreed to marry me." Not just "someone" of course - I'm thankful it's her, but I'm grateful she puts up with my dork moments and random thoughts. My most random (and frequent) thoughts seem to revolve around baby names, although we are nowhere near ready to have kids. Among them:

- We should name our son Doctor. If he ever becomes a doctor, he'd be Doctor Doctor and if not, then at least he has a prestigious name.

- Our son's middle name should be Danger because it would be an instant pick-up line. (Yes, I'm trying to help my son get laid in the future.)

- We should name our son Ready, then change his name when he's a few months old to something like Benjamin. Then for the rest of his life, he can always say, "I was born Ready."

Before you ask me, yes, ALL of the above ideas were met with an enthusiastic eye roll from my fiancee and yes, I know how lucky I am to have her.

Stormtrooper Effect

I was thinking about Star Wars the other day. Okay, fine - I think about it nearly every day. Specifically, about weaknesses in the Empire and one of them stands out above all others - the lack of effective Stormtrooper armor.

These are your guys, Empire. They're your front line to get stuff done, whether it's enforcing Imperial law or installing reactors. Granted, you did provide them with blasters and commlinks but the armor is ineffective against even one blaster bolt! Look at the Rebel troops by comparison - they're just dudes with a blaster and a helmet. No wonder they get shot and die so easily.

I don't know where the hell the Empire spent all of their money but surely it wasn't on building up a decent army. The Emperor must have had to take out a second mortgage to build Darth Vader's armor that there just wasn't much left for the stormtroopers. Poor guys, they're just trying to make their way in the universe like anyone else.