Worry?

Earlier this morning, I heard a woman on the radio singing out a warning. She said the rhythm is going to get me. Tonight! Eep!

Top Movie of 2008

I was thinking about doing a Top # list, but this year was really hit and miss for movies. Movies that had incredible potential, like The Forbidden Kingdom, fell short. Movies that were hugely popular, like The Dark Knight, left me not believing the hype. So instead, you get my top pick for 2008 - Iron Man.

I got the DVD for Christmas and re-watched it. It's the perfect balance for a film that needs to introduce the character to a new audience and pleasing the comic book fans. Robert Downey Jr. is perfectly cast as the asshole Tony Stark can be. It has humor when it needs to, drama at the right points and the right amount of action. In a word, the movie is flawless. Okay, maybe not. The performance of Terrence Howard annoyed me this time around - maybe it's because I know he's not coming back for the sequel so I was looking to dislike him.

Marvel has turned the Iron Man character into a major player in the comics over the past 2 years and this movie launches him into the popular world up there with the Spider-Man movie franchise. I'm looking forward to the sequel and the rest of the Avengers franchise over the next few years. Job well done, Mr. Favreau and Marvel studios.

Love Actually

Hands down, Love Actually is one of my favorite movies of all time. I went into it thinking it was a chick flick but it's so much more than that. The story is told using one of my favorite devices - overlapping stories that weave together at the end. It's a brilliant movie and because it takes place during Christmastime, I always get the urge to watch it this time of year. Plus, it was playing the night I met my fiancée, so it makes me think of her, too. :)

If you haven't seen it yet, watch it. I looked on YouTube to try to find a favorite clip but it's impossible to choose just one, so you'll have to do with just the intro scene.

Regulars

One of the great things about working with the public in a setting such as the library is the regular patrons that come in. It's fun to give nicknames to them based on what I perceive or what they look like. So far, I have named The Triathlete, The Tutor and Wyatt Earp. Swear to God, there's a dude that looks like Wyatt Earp. I think he kind of snapped at me the other day but I couldn't hear him clearly enough to know if I should respond. I'm ready to throw down with Wyatt if it ever comes to it. The only downside is that he smells like roast beef that's been sitting out for a week.

Aren't you jealous you work in a corporate, private environment?

Favorite Comic Fridays - Jim Gaffigan

I think I was initially hesitant of Mr. Gaffigan, but after listening to his album Beyond the Pale, he is certifiable gold. Here is is fairly famous routine about Hot Pockets. Enjoy!

Songs I Never Need to Hear Again

As big of a music fan as I am, I can happily live the rest of my life if I never hear "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana and "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette. I feel like I've heard them on the radio, seen it performed live (in Alanis' case), seen the video on TV and have heard it on my iPod that I know every nook and cranny of the song. I know every beat, lyric and note, and while they're both great songs, I'm done with them. Sorry.

So for the last time ever*, I present these two songs.





* - Probably not, since I haven't taken over the world yet.

What songs could you live without ever hearing again?

Life After People

We watched a documentary the other day called Life After People. I've already talked about how the Apocalypse fascinates me, so this was right up my alley.

The show looks at what would happen to Earth if humans were gone. Everything else survives - animals, nature, our houses - just no humans. It's a pretty amazing look at how many things require so much upkeep, and also how quickly nature would reclaim the Earth. For example, subway systems require pumps to keep out groundwater and keep them dry. Without humans to do this job, New York's subways would be flooded in 3 days. Three days! Bridges would collapse without being repainted and replacing of cables, fires would rage on until they burned out.

As a real life comparison, they show a Ukraine city in abandoned after the Chernobyl disaster. Animal populations in that area have flourished and plants have nearly covered up many structures. The city has only been abandoned for 20 years. Twenty years! It's a really interesting look at what would happen to this great world if we weren't here.

One of the most fascinating things is their guess at what one of the last remnants of our civilization would be. 10,000 years after we're gone - Mount Rushmore would probably be recognizable because of its location, size, material and lack of natural disasters. They also theorize parts of the Great Wall of China and the Pyramids would be recognizable after 10,000 years but as far as a connection to the human race that lasts as long - we've got to rely on the mugs of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Roosevelt.

Bane Malar

As I frequently do, I checked out the Star Wars action figures at Target the other day. I saw this figure of Bane Malar and read the little description on the reverse side:

"The mysterious bounty hunter Bane Malar occasionally visits Jabba's palace on the Western Dune Sea. He reveals little of himself, causing suspicion and rumors that Malar is a telepath who steals people's secrets to use against them later. Armed with his trusty weapon, this Bane Malar figure hides mysteriously behind his dark helmet."

They might as well just have written "We found this toy mold in the Lucas warehouse, slapped a logo on it, wrote a really vague, halfassed description and sold it to you for $7.99" and been honest about it.

Favorite Comic Fridays - Patton Oswalt

I think I may be a little bit late in appreciating Patton Oswalt, but I have to say I'm a fan now. I saw him once at Largo and he killed that night. He's also a comic book dork, so I appreciate any reference he makes to Power Pack or whoever he's talking about. You may recognize him from King of Queens, and he also supplied the voice of the rat in that Disney movie that was just okay. He's kind of rambling and random at times but he's definitely original, I think. Check out this clip about '80s metal:



And also this clip about a movie called Death Bed:

Everything I'm Cracked Up To Be

I finished reading Everything I'm Cracked Up To Be, the autobiography of '90s female singer Jennifer Trynin. You may possibly remember her biggest hit single, "Better Than Nothing" which she admits probably should have been titled "I'm Feelin' Good."

Overall, the book is pretty good and funny. Trynin recounts the big label bidding war that erupted over her debut album, Cockamamie. Her two albums garnered a lot of critical praise but failed to capture a huge commercial audience. She's incredibly honest in things she did to help mess up her own career, and that things didn't work out like she wanted them to. In the end, she's okay with that and she's happy with how her life turned out. There are some amusing stories from the road, like when a DJ left her alone on live radio and Jen ended up interviewing herself for a few minutes. She recounts how she flirted and made out with her bass player while she had a boyfriend back home. She has some funny stories about being put on tour with another female artist named Shalah! who, according to one blog is actually Paula Cole. I think any fan of the '90s alt-rock scene would enjoy it. In the meantime, enjoy her hit single "Better Than Nothing / I'm Feelin' Good."

Twihype

Generally speaking, I am not a fan of hype. In fact, anything that becomes too hyped up tends to turn me off. I don't want to believe in hype and I'd like to form my own opinion on my own time. Plus, I find hyped things are not as good as they're made out to be. Mostly I'm right (Superbad, Juno, Coldplay, Harry Potter), but I'll admit sometimes I'm wrong (White Stripes, The Office).

Alas, this is the reason I won't be going to see Twilight this coming weekend...or anytime soon. From what I know of the story (a vampire and a teenage girl fall for each other), it sounds like more of a teenage romance. My fianceé read the first book and admitted it was cheesy, yet it sucked her in. It sounded to us like the vampire could just bite the girl and turn her into a vampire and then they'd live happily ever after. After all, if he is capable of not being a scary, evil vampire, surely she can, too. Then they'd both be immortal and could spend every day together. Seems like we solved their teenage romance problem in once sentence.

I just wish this friggin' movie would come out already so I can stop seeing TV commercials, newspaper ads and blogs (mine included) all over the place.

Reaching Across the Aisle

Last week I helped shoot a funny video with my friends Ken and Chip. Check it out on Funny or Die. I did the camerawork and have a very minor cameo. Pass it along and vote for it as Funny if you think it's funny.

Razors

Why is it my crappy disposable generic drug store razor does a better job of shaving than my fancy schmancy Schick Quattro? Damn you, Quattro! Damn youuuuuuu!

Grey's Anatomy

I watched my first ever episode of Grey's Anatomy last week and was not impressed. I think it was mostly because I couldn't get over the fact that Katherine Heigl is a bad actress and she looks like "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. I'm not really sure but I'll go ahead and file this show under the Popular Things I Don't Get. It's currently in second place behind the Harry Potter empire, but may be surpassed once Twilight comes out.

The one shining light of that episode of Grey's was the appearance of Kevin McKidd, star of the awesome-yet-cancelled NBC show Journeyman.

Parking Wars

The A&E channel has a show on called Parking Wars, which follows the Philadelphia Parking Authority as they ticket, tow and put Da Boot on cars. Hmm...reality show about parking authority. Arts? Nope. Entertainment? Not even close. A&E, you fail!

Then again, given their programming in recent years with such faire as Dog the Bounty Hunter, Miami Ink and Gene Simmons Family Jewels, I guess this fits right in.

Libraries

My current pursuit of library school and careers of my parents notwithstanding, I am a fan of libraries. In these tough economic times, keep in mind that libraries are a great source for books on any topic, and most of them have CD and DVD collections, and free Wi-Fi access. Libraries not only make money from overdue fines, but checking out and returning a book on time helps them out, too. The more people that check out materials and increase the circulation, the more money can be set aside for its future and continued use.

Advertising

On a recent job interview, I was asked to create a sample banner ad that was supposed to entice someone to click on it. I did my best and ended up not getting the job, but that is okay. I was thinking about it later and I was given the impression that a well-designed and exciting banner ad would get anyone to click on it. The thing is - advertising doesn't work like that, at least for me. I'm throwing this out there to see how everyone else feels.

At my old job, we made spam banner ads and websites and were constantly challenged to make them visually appealing. I get that, you don't want it to look like crap. But still. If you are 55 and don't need an iPod, I don't think any amount of flashy design will make you click on a banner ad for a FREE* iPod.

My opinion is that if you aren't in the market for the product they're selling, nothing will make you want it. I've had zero interest in buying a new car for a few years now. If someone offered me $1,000, I couldn't tell you a memorable car commercial or advertisement I've seen in years. Besides that, car commercials are some of the worst ads out there.

I know ads are "supposed" to make you want something and make you rush out to buy it, but I would say it rarely, if ever, works on me. I can appreciate a clever marketing campaign and a funny commercial. I may even recall a logo or product years later based on advertisements - but if it's not my thing to begin with, is it even possible to make something like that? Can you truly make a banner ad to sell something a person doesn't even need?

Punky

The other day I watched the E! True Hollywood Story of Punky Brewster. God, I need a job or need to find out if I got into school soon.

Iron Eagle

With my newfound free time, I watched '80s classic Iron Eagle. If you want to talk about movies that age well, this ain't it. If you want to talk about movies full of '80s cheese and a nonsense plot, look no further!

A quick recap of the plot - teenager and young pilot Doug Masters' application for the Air Force is rejected. His Dad, also an Air Force pilot, gets shot down in some generic, unnamed Middle Eastern country and is taken hostage. The government tries to go the diplomatic route but plans stall, which leaves Doug with only one option - stealing a fighter jet and rescuing his dad himself! Luckily, he has help from semi-retired Col. Charles "Chappy" Sinclair and his teenage buddies, who are the children of Air Force employees. They're able to steal Air Force plans and maps in broad daylight, and also schedule and fully arm two F-16 Fighter Jets for takeoff.

Without a doubt, the funniest line is when Chappy Sinclair looks at the group of teenagers and says, "Without a doubt, this is the finest planning crew I've ever had the privilege of working with." Dude, you were in the Air Force for TWENTY TWO YEARS and you're saying a bunch of teenagers did a better job?! Wow, that really says something about our Dept. of Defense.

Anyway - somehow, a teenager and a retired Colonel walk onto the airstrip and take the planes out for "some mission" and make it most of the way to the unnamed Middle Eastern country before anyone catches on. Chappy decides it's a good idea to arm Doug's plane with a Hades bomb because really - if you can trust anyone with a bomb named that, it's a high school graduate who got rejected by the Air Force.

They fly over there and blow a whole bunch of shit up - even hitting a wooden tower with bullets makes as big of an explosion as the Death Star. Also, Chappy's plane gets shot down so Doug has to land and rescue his Dad, which he pulls off and they fly home. When he turns up to get sentenced to life in prison - Chappy is there! Turns out that fishing boats in that area regularly pick up Air Force pilots floating in the water. Instead of getting sentenced to jail time, Chappy and Doug are thanked for their mission so long as they pinky swear not to tell anyone how easy it was to pull everything off. Also, Chappy recommends Doug get into the Air Force Academy and the government board approves it. Because, let's face it - if you can steal an F-16 and rescue one person by yourself, you surely deserve to do it legally for the Government.

There aren't enough thumbs in the world to appropriately point up for this film. It gets a bonus thumb for excellent music montages - especially the one with Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." Classic film and a definite must see.

Sell Out

So it's now been a week of being unemployed. I've long joked around that I would sell out my design career if a job came along that paid me enough. I don't know how much these paid, but I think it kinda proves it when I tell you that I submitted resumes to be a Creative Manager for the Jonas Brothers and a web designer for the Ryan Seacrest page on KIISfm.com. Fortunately for my soul (and my sanity) the Seacrest posting was closed.

Yay, economy.

This Just In...

French toast rules.

Mohinder!

As weird as this may sound, the following is true - I was on the radio Thursday morning. Well, my voice was, as I called the Kevin & Bean Afroline and left a message. It's a voicemail thing and they play back some of the bizarre or funny calls on the air and mine was chosen for Thursday morning's broadcast! I edited the clip down from the podcast, so you can listen to it.

It's dumb, but I basically sang a parody of Cheap Trick's "Surrender" but changed the lyrics to fit the TV show Heroes, and specifically the character of Mohinder. Take a listen here - Mohinder!

I've already established that I can't sing for crap, so need to tell me again. Wow, this turned into a Heroes-themed week all of a sudden. Have a great weekend everyone. Mohinder!

Superpowers

I'm being 100% serious when I say I hope to develop superpowers at some point in my lifetime. Any time I come down with a serious headache or illness, I secretly hope it's a superpower manifesting itself. Sadly, that has not happened. Yet.

Obviously, if given a choice, everyone would want to fly or turn invisible or something like that. I think the ability to stop time would be pretty dope, too. I'd only use that power once a year - to go rob a bank and get away with it. Hey...armored truck shows up and poof!, $250,000 mysteriously vanishes and I get to take a vacation.

I know freezing time has to be pretty popular, too, so my superpower of choice is to be a cryokinetic - the ability to freeze things! Iceman has long been my favorite member of the X-Men and I would be a HIT during the summer sweltering months here in southern California. Even just at a party - no need to buy ice, just invite Chris. I could also pull plenty of pranks by making douchebags slip on a sidewalk or encasing a coworker's mouse in a block of ice.

What superpower would you want?

Time Travel

Let me start off by saying I am not some genius-level physics expert. I am, however, a comic book dork and I think that qualifies me to speak about the topic of time travel. It's used pretty frequently in the TV show Heroes which, generally speaking, I love.

Spoiler alert for Heroes! In the Season 3 premiere, we have two time traveling characters - Peter who comes back from the future to stop something, and Hiro in the present day, who happened to screw up history last season. Let's address Future Peter first - he comes back in time and successfully prevents an event from happening that ruins his future. So, at that exact point, the timeline he came from should cease to exist, right? If that event never happened, then the course of events is altered and that Future Peter as we've known him in the last 5 minutes should cease to exist. But...he's still there. And still messing with stuff in the present day.

Now, onto Hiro - in last night's episode, he had something stolen from him, and needed to get it back. So, why doesn't he just go back in time to 3 seconds after it was stolen and steal it right back? I know Hiro said he didn't want to go to the past anymore, but he goes to the future. If you have time traveling powers, you essentially have unlimited redos. I would imagine each time you go back or forward and do something, that creates a different timeline. The course of events is changed each time, so there have to be at least 428 different timelines within the Heroes universe at this point.

Ugh, I'm getting a headache just typing this. Never mind.

Talk Like a Pirate

Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day, everyone! I remember first hearing about this on KROQ-FM's Kevin & Bean morning show years ago. Sure enough, when we got in the car this morning, they were talking to Ol' Chumbucket and Cap'n Slappy. Sure, it hasn't quite taken off like Christmas but just wanted to wish you all a happy ITLAPD.

In honor of today, I'm posting this clip from Saturday Night Live when Peter Sarsgaard was the host. I don't know why the clip cuts off at the end, but you should get a few laughs in before it does.

Bargains! Imprisoning Me!

I read this article about the new Metallica logo the other day. Someone posted this photo in the comments section which cracked me up to no end. Even metal singers enjoy a nice shopping trip to Armani. I guess this is the original article / photo here.

If the photo doesn't make you laugh, you should know that it pokes fun at the lyrics of their song "One".

E-Mail Forwards

I got an e-mail forward today from one of my fiancee's relatives that reminded me why I hate them so much. This e-mail violated both of my pet peeves -

1) Those ones where you "sign a petition" and pass it on to everyone in your address book don't work because...everyone has different address books! Person #12 in my address book doesn't know person #3, or even know if they signed it. So now there are multiple versions of one thing. The only way these e-mail "petition" things could conceivably work is to send it to one person at a time.

2) Research, research, RESEARCH. Guess what - if you're checking your e-mail, you're already on the internet. Do your research before telling me there's a movie about gay Jesus coming out, that cellphones will soon be assaulted by telemarketers or that the word 'picnic' is offensive to African-Americans. Google found all three of those results in about 5 seconds each.

I shake my fist at you, internet forwards!

Hulkamania

I recently finished reading the autobiography of Hulk Hogan. There was no one bigger than Hulk Hogan to my brother and I when we were youngsters. Sadly, Hulk left this important story out of his book -

In 1991, my brother and I were in the car with our Mom and Grandma, driving down Valley Circle Blvd. when Hulk Hogan drove past us on his motorcycle. Mom instantly recognized him but my brother and I weren't paying attention and didn't see him. A few yellow lights and miles later, we caught up to him at a gas station. Our Mom gave us a piece of paper for him to sign and we approached our hero to ask for his autograph. I was so nervous that I barely knew what to say. My brother was much cooler, of course, and asked if he was ready for his tag team match at Summerslam. He said he was confident he and The Ultimate Warrior would win (they did) and signed our paper, which my bro still has. I still think it's cool that Mom drove kinda crazy so we could catch up to him.

It was quite the moment for a pair of lifelong wrestling fans and Hulkamaniacs. This was the man that bodyslammed Andre the Giant! This was the man that give such thrilling interviews you believed every word when he shared the three commandments of Hulkamania: 1) train, 2) say your prayers and 3) take your vitamins.

His book is fairly entertaining, even if it glosses over quite a bit. It turns out my childhood hero had one major fear in his life, though - helicopters. So just keep that in mind, kids - even the Immortal Hulk Hogan is scared of something. Check out this great pre-match interview from Wrestlemania 4 where he tangled with Andre the Giant.

Seven Years

I was at the library the other day looking for a Dreamweaver / HTML book. I found one that looked pretty decent, but didn't get it because it was published in 2001. "Seven years - that's old!" I thought to myself.

Then it occurred to me that the anniversary on 9/11 is this week...today, actually. It struck me that there are 7-year old boys and girls that probably have little to no concept of this tragedy. They probably know every Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers lyric, but won't know what it was like to wake up that morning and live through that tragedy via the news or in person. I think about 9/11 from time to time and my heart still aches.

Wow, seven years.

Thank Goodness She's Locked In

After last week's awesome Stormtrooper post, my friend Jenny posted a comment that read "It's a good thing you already have a fiancee. This article proves you are nothing but nerd. :p" I completely agree with that, so I've decided to add a new tag to my blog called Thank Goodness She's Locked In.

There are certain ideas I share with my fiancee and the minute they leave my mouth, I think to myself, "Thank goodness someone agreed to marry me." Not just "someone" of course - I'm thankful it's her, but I'm grateful she puts up with my dork moments and random thoughts. My most random (and frequent) thoughts seem to revolve around baby names, although we are nowhere near ready to have kids. Among them:

- We should name our son Doctor. If he ever becomes a doctor, he'd be Doctor Doctor and if not, then at least he has a prestigious name.

- Our son's middle name should be Danger because it would be an instant pick-up line. (Yes, I'm trying to help my son get laid in the future.)

- We should name our son Ready, then change his name when he's a few months old to something like Benjamin. Then for the rest of his life, he can always say, "I was born Ready."

Before you ask me, yes, ALL of the above ideas were met with an enthusiastic eye roll from my fiancee and yes, I know how lucky I am to have her.

Thank You, Kid Rock!

Kid Rock rapped over Metallica's "Sad But True" and made an okay song out of it. The funny part (other than me liking it) is Kid Rock's claim that he "put Detroit city back on the map." I think they gave him some kind of achievement award at Cartographers Expo 2006 for doing so. Thank you, Kid!

The Luckyist Keyboardist

Quick, name your favorite rock star keyboardist.

Exactly. They don't exist. Those words go together like "new Eddie Murphy movie" and "awesome."

With the possible exception of Bon Jovi's David Bryan, who has been with the band since they formed in 1983. Keyboard players were kind of big in the '80s with new wave bands but they've gone the way of ska music being played on KROQ. That's a pretty impressive testament to a guy who kind of resembles a cocker spaniel.

Not to knock the guy too much - according to his Wikipedia page, he had 4.0 GPA while in Pre-Med at Rutgers University before he decided to play keys to songs like "Livin' On a Prayer." He's also released three solo albums and has written a musical.

A tip of the hat to you, David Bryan. If anyone asks who my favorite rock keyboardist is, I guarantee I will say you.

Stormtrooper Effect

I was thinking about Star Wars the other day. Okay, fine - I think about it nearly every day. Specifically, about weaknesses in the Empire and one of them stands out above all others - the lack of effective Stormtrooper armor.

These are your guys, Empire. They're your front line to get stuff done, whether it's enforcing Imperial law or installing reactors. Granted, you did provide them with blasters and commlinks but the armor is ineffective against even one blaster bolt! Look at the Rebel troops by comparison - they're just dudes with a blaster and a helmet. No wonder they get shot and die so easily.

I don't know where the hell the Empire spent all of their money but surely it wasn't on building up a decent army. The Emperor must have had to take out a second mortgage to build Darth Vader's armor that there just wasn't much left for the stormtroopers. Poor guys, they're just trying to make their way in the universe like anyone else.

Blog Day

Today is Blog Day. I guess I'm supposed to go out and find new blogs and recommend them here, but since I have never talked about other blogs on here before, I'll do that. In no particular order, let's go.

1. Blahmerica - run by four comedians poking fun at the "blah" things in life. I don't know any of them personally but I have seen/performed with (once) Chris D'Elia and think he's incredibly funny and talented. All four writers are great and the topics they pick are highly worth being mocked.

2. Tied to the '90s - a blog about music and bands from the 1990s. It offers looks back at things as well as updates of what some of these musicians are doing now.

3. Long Winded and Proud - by Adriana. It's a mix of personal posts, funny stories, recommendations and such. I like the way she writes and she's a friend of mine, so double bonus.

4. The FAIL Blog - because anonymously laughing at other's misfortune and mistakes is fun.

5. Kitchen Hell - a cooking / recipe blog, courtesy of my friend Kristen. I have yet to make any recipes from there but everything on there looks good. Her photos make me frequently hungry at work.

BlogDay2008

My Two Dads

The classic 1987 television show My Two Dads came up as a topic of conversation the other day with friends. My fiancée wasn't familiar with it, so I had to fill her in on the premise - a teenage girl's Mom dies and she goes to live with two guys, one of which is her biological father. She never finds out which one is, so they raise her together. One is the cool, hip artistic Dad (Greg Evigan) and the other is a more white collar worker (Paul Reiser).

What a great way to remember your Mom - that she was a whore who doesn't even know which guy got her pregnant. And what a way for two guys to become best friends and roommates - they both slept with the same woman! Sadly, the comic hilarity lasted for only 3 seasons.

I actually appreciate the silly concept of a show that could be solved with a DNA test in 3 to 10 business days. Sadly, I don't think TV could produce shows like this, or Gilligan's Island, these days. I kind of miss that campy quality about TV, although I don't think My Two Dads was meant to be. They're trying to make TV so smart these days. How dare you, Hollywood.

What Not to Wear

For some retarded reason, one of the headlines on Yahoo! last week was an article entitled 9 Things You Should Never Wear to a Wedding. I'll save you from clicking on the article by just posting the list here:

1. White
2. Shorts
3. Short miniskirts and bustier tops
4. Coattails
5. Anything gold / sequins / glittery
6. Leather jackets, skirts or pants
7. Baseball hats
8. Western wear - bandannas, cowboy boots
9. Jeans

This has to be one of the dumbest articles I've ever read as every single point they make just states the obvious. I hope they publish an article next week called 9 Reasons Not to Drink Bleach.

Zuma Nesta Rock

Which of the following statements is the most ridiculous?

A) That MSN consulted "baby naming experts" to comment on Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani's new son, Zuma Nesta Rock?

or B) That people are out there actually proclaiming themselves to be baby-name experts?

I'm definitely going with B on this one. I feel dumber for having read that article, and MSN should feel dumb for putting that as one of their top Entertainment headlines last week.

Only kind of ridiculous is that MSN fails to get two out of three domain names correct in the article, listing them them as ThePerfectBabyName.c om, BabyNamingCentral.co m. Whoever wrote that article got a little bit too happy with the sp a ce bar.

Joo-know!

Yeah, I know I'm late in seeing this but finally watched it last night. I'd give it 3 out of 5 stars. Overall, it was pretty good for a science fiction movie. Parts of it were cute and funny, but it left out so much of the emotion of teenage pregnancy. For the entire movie, it's like no big deal that Juno is pregnant. "Oh, I'm pregnant. I'll just keep going to school and give the kid away." There was very little struggle or emotion with that decision, and Juno seems so matter-of-fact about everything. She's sixteen!

Which brings me to my next critique - no sixteen year old talks like that! Even weird, indie "unique" ones in Minnesota! Plus, I highly doubt any kid these days would be dropping a Thundercats reference, let alone know what Thundercats is. Overall, an okay movie but nothing I would rave about or put on my Top Ten list like so many critics did.

Definitely the funniest part of the movie is when Juno is thinking about the prospective parents for her children and says: "I want something a little edgier. I was looking for, maybe, a thirty-something graphic designer with a cool Asian girlfriend who kicks ass on the bass guitar, but I don't know, I don't wanna get too particular."

I'm a 30 year old graphic designer with an Asian fiancée that kicks ass at Guitar Hero. If we were in the market for a baby from a 16 year old Minnesotan in a science fiction movie, I'd know where to look.

The Clogginator

Holyyyyyyyy crap! Even though this came out last year, it was a featured ad on MySpace today.

The Baconator from Wendy's - two 1/4 lb. beef patties, two slices of American cheese and SIX strips of bacon! I wonder if they did product testing and the most common feedback they got was "Not clogging my arteries fast enough. Suggest adding more bacon."

There is a Wendy's within walking distance of my office, but I think I'd have to walk the 18.3 miles home to burn off even half of this thing.

Guitar Zero

Check out this story of Blake Peebles, a 16-year old who dropped out of high school to focus on playing Guitar Hero. Apparently, he bugged his parents to let him quit school, and they "couldn't take the complaining anymore." Wow, great job, parents.

Where did I put my Parent of the Year ballot form again?

Let the O' Go

Nearly everyone I know (myself included) refers to this steaming hot instant ramen noodle thing as Cup O' Noodles. But look at the package, it says Cup Noodles. Whenever I point this out to people, they are either flabbergasted or astonished (pick one).

I researched it on the Nissin website but came up short, so I sent them an e-mail. To my astonishment and flabbergastiment, they wrote me back hours later with a response!

Apparently the O' was added for the US market. It was dropped at some point in order to unify with the Asian market and the trademarked name of simply Cup Noodles.

So, there you go...information you didn't ask for. Stop using the O. Also, check out the Wikipedia entry to see some other Cup Noodles flavors from around the globe - Italian Tomato (Brazil), Spicy Duck (Thailand) and Beef Marrow (Philippines)!

Olympics

There's a little more than a week left of Olympic action, so I better get these two thoughts out.

1. Beach volleyball is sooooooooooooo frickin' boring. Why is it on during prime time?

I think this second thought was actually my friend Rick's idea, but I fully support it.

2. They should have average people compete in every event for comparison's sake. When you have several people finishing within hundredths of seconds of one another, I think it loses a little something. Let's see how fast Joe Blow from Chatsworth can run the 400m hurdles. Then it'd be even more impressive.

Company

Now that I work in a much larger company, it's kind of cool to get to know so many people and their different backgrounds. I won't reveal any personal information about myself or my employer, but after working here a year, some of the people I have found working here include:

- A guy who drummed for a band that won the Dutch equivalent of a Grammy
- A brother and sister that are the children of a professional wrestler
- Someone whose cousin is a movie / television star
- An athlete who almost made the Olympics 4 years ago, and is going to try again for 2012

Fairly cool, if you ask me. I wonder about the rest of these peeps.

Tropic Third

I'm sure no one will believe me, but a few weekends ago, I predicted Kevin Costner's newest flick, Swing Vote, would open at #7. I was wrong, but close. It opened at #6 'cause it looked like a steaming pile of monkey crap.

Tropic Thunder opens up tomorrow. Is it just me, or does Tropic Thunder look derivative of Galaxy Quest which itself was derivative of Three Amigos? Hey, look - actors think they're in a fake situation but then get caught in a real one! Stiller's career has been really hit and miss, so I'll definitely pass on this one. Still, I will predict that it opens up at #3 at the box office this weekend.

I'll check IMdB sometime late Sunday to collect my non-existent winnings on this non-existent bet.

Dear Netflix

Dear Netflix,

Sometimes you know me so well. You recommend some excellent movies based on other movies I have rated and enjoyed. I am indeed a huge fan of comedy, as noted by my enjoyment of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Jerry Seinfeld: I'm Telling You For the Last Time.

I am not a huge sports fan, but I don't recall the 2007 Fiesta Bowl or the Chicago Bulls Dynasty of the 1990s to be particular funny.

I thank you for your recommendation but feel I must pass on these two.

Sincerely,
Chris

Anthem - NOT!

In 1999, the band Silverchair released a song called "Anthem for the Year 2000." Ironically, it was not.

The Prophet of Yonwood

I finished reading the The Prophet of Yonwood, the third part in the Books of Ember series and it was disappointing. It's a prequel to two previous books in the series, but not really until the last few chapters. The majority of the book is based on mishearing a prophet. Yeah, that's right. The whole town is following the advice of a prophet no one can understand clearly. The entire book is based on that premise, which is quite lame.

I know this series is aimed at young adults, but the following passage towards the end made me laugh out loud: "She'd fallen in love with a dog instead of a person. But that didn't matter. It was still love. She'd apply it to a person later on."

Riiiiiiight.

Because pouring a bowl of dog food and flea baths are exactly like cooking for your spouse and buying shampoo at the drug store.

Nonsense

Sadly, I started another blog. Why? Because so many people rip off of the Got Milk? campaign and it annoys me that much. It will mostly be a photo blog, but feel free to check it out. I don't know how long I'll keep it running but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Best SNL Opening Ever

It's no secret that I'm a Steve Martin fan, but this has to be one of the best openings to SNL ever. I know SNL goes through cycles of being good and bad, blah blah blah, but this opening has stayed in my memory for well over 10 years.

Classic SNL lineup with Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Chris Farley, Kevin Nealon, Victoria Jackson, Tim Meadows, Julia Sweeney, etc. Adam Sandler and Chris Rock are also in this clip, though just kind of part of the ensemble. Steve Martin is a genius. I was glad to find this clip on MySpace this week:

Saturday Night Live - Not Gonna Phone it in Tonight

Accomplished

I'm sure people go for months or years in their lives without feeling like they've accomplished much of anything. But thanks to the glory that is the internet, that's all changed!

For example, one of the groups you can join on the social networking site Facebook is called (see photo) Can We Get All Facebook Users in One Group???? Just by the simple act of not joining, I can ruin the sole purpose of this group. I haven't felt this accomplished in months. I'm accomplishing something by not doing anything, which kind of makes me Buddhist.*

* Apologies to Daniel Tosh for lifting his joke.

What A Week

(Warning - contains spoilers for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Although, really - if I spoil this movie for you, you should thank me for freeing up two hours of your life with which you can do something more productive. Read a book.)

Let's suppose we sat down, and I told you about all the things I accomplished in one week, as follows:

- I traveled to France and used a remote-controlled helicopter with camera to find an inscription on the Statue of Liberty.
- I went to England, got arrested in Buckingham Palace, but then broke out and into the Queen's office to steal a wooden plank hidden in a desk.
- I used my estranged girlfriend to talk my way into the Oval Office to look for another wooden plank hidden in a desk.
- I forced the President to hold his birthday party at Mount Vernon by booking up all other available locations in the area.
- I snuck into the President's birthday party by swimming and using the old "tuxedo under a wet suit" trick.
- I kidnapped the President under the guise of exploring Mount Vernon, in order to get him alone and ask him about a book.
- I went to the Library of Congress, found information in said book, then outran FBI and police who are after me for kidnapping the President.
- I traveled to Mount Rushmore, got past several traps and found a lost city of gold buried underneath the monument.
- I got my girlfriend back and was then thanked by the President.

Would that sound like the most ridiculous week of my life ever or the plot to National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets?

If you guessed National Treasure, you are correct! This movie just earned a spot on my list of Worst Movies Ever Made. Look, I know you're supposed to suspend disbelief but come on. If it's a movie like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, they say there's they've mastered this branch of martial arts, and they can basically fly. Okay, got it. That's the field we're playing on. But look at all of the things Nicolas Cage accomplishes in the present day. Either his character is the highest level of genius in some alternate Earth or this movie is beyond absurd.

I'm going with absurd.

Favorite Comic Friday - Daniel Tosh

For this week's edition of Favorite Comic Fridays, I'm going with Daniel Tosh. Tosh is, without a doubt, my favorite comic these days. I first saw him at the Laugh Factory and instantly was a fan. I love that he's somewhat cocky and his comedy style is abrasive, which I know turns some people off. In a sense, you have to keep up with him. He just does joke after joke and keeps rolling into the next one. I've heard him say he sometimes keeps taking a joke farther and farther until only six people have a clue what he's talking about. I must be one of those six.

Take a look at this clip and go get the DVD this is from, called Completely Serious:

In Case of Apocalypse

I don't know where or how this started, but I love apocalyptic movies and books. I'm currently reading a young adult book series (shut up) that deals with an underground city after mankind nearly eliminates itself. The first book in the series, City of Ember, is coming out as a movie in October. I really enjoyed the 28 Days / Week Later films, and even though the ending kinda sucked, I liked I Am Legend.

I'm not sure why this genre intrigues me so. I think part of me sees these films and stories as guidelines for what to do in the event of apocalypse, zombie takeover or the rise of Cyberdyne Systems. I'm pretty safe in my current location - I live within walking distance of a police station (shotguns) as well as a Costco (massive food supplies). I think a part of me would be cool with a small zombie outbreak, as long as it attacked morons and people with the last names Hilton and Winehouse.

I previously was a fan of The Terminator series until someone pointed out to me (apologies, I forget who) that if the Terminators wanted to wipe out mankind, why didn't they go back to like the caveman days when we just figuring out how our thumbs worked?

For Those About to Rock

Continuing my theme of silliness in the English language - I don't believe it is possible to be thunderstruck. Thunder is a sound. Somebody go tell AC/DC to change their song lyrics to LightningStruck.

Guess What

One of my favorite things in the world is when people say "Guess what?" The what is implied to be something so surprising and fantastic that you'll never guess what it is. So I always enjoy giving a few random and absurd guesses. Hardly anyone expects a response, so have fun with it! Whatever random guesses you come up with will surely outshine the what and make the person feel awkward. It's fun, trust me. Among my favorite responses to the question "Guess what?" are:

You had lunch with George Clooney.
Someone figured out how to make miniature pet elephants.
You started counterfeiting money and you need my help.
They're making Sk8er Boi into a Broadway musical.

Then their response of "My boss is letting us go home at 3pm" sounds really lame.

Biography

If you want to stalk me or publish a biography someday, please include these five facts about me:

1) My favorite smell in the world is maple syrup. If I'm lazy and don't wash my plate after eating waffles, the syrup permeates the air for a while, and it is awesome.
2) I feel a little dangerous whenever I wear black underwear.
3) At the tender age of 24, I sent in an audtion tape for MTV's The Real World. I obviously got rejected.
4) I can grab a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and just dig in. That's how much I adore peanut butter.
5) I've conditioned my body for the 20 minute power nap. I've never tried it, but I imagine I could throw a casserole in the oven for 20 minutes and wake up exactly in time for a perfectly cooked dinner.

If this biography gets published, I'd like the title to be A Staggering Work of Heartbreak and Genius.

If said biography gets turned into a motion picture, I would like Will Ferrell to play me. I don't care how old he is.

Locked Cars

Part of a Catholic church ceremony is the receiving of Communion. During this part, people leave their seat, wait in line and receive a Communion wafer (unleavened bread), which symbolizes the body of Jesus Christ. It baffles me because most women take their purses with them when they go up to receive it. Hello - you're in church! The 7th Commandments says "Thou shalt not steal." It's even on the wall in some churches. I'm certain your purses are safe, ladies. And if there is a purse snatcher in attendance, I'm pretty sure they're going directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200, for such a stunt. Stealing in church? Come on.

By the same token - do I really need to lock my car in the church parking lot? I don't know...but I do it anyway.

Favorite Comic Friday - Brian Regan

Welcome to a new feature, cleverly titled Favorite Comic Friday. I'll spotlight one of my favorite comedians once a week, or at least keep it to Fridays. I have a list on the sidebar, but I'm picking someone else for the first edition - Brian Regan. I'm late getting on the Regan bandwagon, but I heard his name mentioned quite a bit. I believe he's a favorite of some of my comedian friends, so I bumped his DVD, Standing Up, up to the top of my Netflix queue, which we watched last night.

The first time I watch a stand-up DVD, I'm usually too critical and jealous to really enjoy it. Not so with this one. At quite a few points, both my girl and I were clutching our stomachs from laughing so hard. He's a clean observational comic and his material is clever. I don't recall hearing a single curse word on the entire DVD, which I really respect. According to his article on Wikipedia, he is incredibly friendly to his fans. This was obvious on the DVD when he comes back onstage for an encore and the fans are yelling out requests for jokes, like songs at a rock concert. Awesome.

Do yourself a favor and check out his DVD or some clips on YouTube. In the meantime, enjoy this hysterical clip I selected about UPS:

Extra Ordinary

If something is ordinary, it's considered boring or unexceptional.

If something is extra, it's above what's expected, which is good. It's a bonus.

So if something is extraordinary, shouldn't that mean it's considered beyond boring? English is whack, yo.

I Wonder

You know how they have those $5 footlong sandwiches at Subway or Quizno's? I wonder what they'd do if you went in there and ordered a $5 footlong - 1/2 tuna, 1/2 meatball. Something to try on my lunch break, perhaps.

Sk8er Crap

I remember this incredibly disturbing story from a few years ago - Paramount Pictures optioned the song "Skater Boy" by Avril Lavigne to be made into a movie. (The actual song title is spelled "Sk8er Boi" but I refuse to type it that way more than once.) Yes, you read that right - they optioned a song for a film. What is the song about that intrigued Paramount execs so much? It's about the failed courtship between a skater boy and a preppy girl. The girl likes the guy, but rejects his advances out of peer pressure and regrets it later once he is famous. This isn't some 18-minute ballad detailing the Invasion of Normandy or the history of the Buffalo Soldiers...it's a 3 1/2 minute pop song by an annoying Canadian.

Some of the genius lyrics include lines like: "He was a boy / She was a girl / Can I make it anymore obvious?" and also: "He was a skater boy / She said see ya later, boy" What in the hell was Paramount thinking???

Out of boredom and a random jarring of my brain, I looked it up on Wikipedia today, and here's what it says: "In 2003, Paramount Pictures optioned the song for adaptation into a feature film. However, as of April 2008, the film has apparently been abandoned or is stuck in development hell."

If you ever needed proof there is a God, please reference the latest development on this project.

Knowles This

At some point in the last few years, I thought it would be a genius idea to meet and then fall in love with a girl whose last name is Knowles. Then I'd get engaged and I'd refer to her as Fiancée Knowles.

Thank you...tip your waitresses. I know that would be an incredibly long set-up for a joke at someone else's expense, but it's part of the humor.

Alas, that dream was happily crushed when I got engaged to my actual real life girlfriend last week. Hurray! I don't talk too much about my personal life on this blog, but wanted to share my hilarious Fiancée Knowles joke. Even I was surprised at the reaction that joke got when I did it on stage a few times.

On a completely random side note - if you get a chance, check out the blog Good Eats Here for which I am a contributor. It's a group blog about restaurants, mostly in the Los Angeles area, and food in general.

The Calamari Wrestler - Review

If you could remove the thumbs of every person, it wouldn't be enough "thumbs up" for The Calamari Wrestler. Plus, nobody would have thumbs and we'd lose the ability to grip things and hit the spacebar. Okay, so Calamari Wrestler doesn't deserve quite that many, but it is entertaining even if it doesn't come fully around on the scale of "so bad it's good" movies. If I can give away most of the key plot points in my review, I will do so now:

The movie starts with Taguchi winning the championship, then immediately being challenged by a squid that just shows up in the ring - our hero, The Calamari Wrestler. The thing I love most about this is the lack of explanation. No one really questions where the squid came from, how he's able to talk or where he learned the Northen Lights Suplex. CW wins this impromptu bout but not the title, since it isn't a sanctioned match. Taguchi's girlfriend, Miyako, recognizes his wrestling moves as those of her ex-lover, Iwata. The only problem is...he died from a mystery illness a few years ago, but could he have returned in the form of a giant squid? The mystery!

Taguchi turns out be somewhat of a jerk, and Miyako pursues CW to find out if he really is Iwata. He is, and she looks past the fact that he's now a giant squid to rekindle their relationship. Come on, ladies...tell me you wouldn't get freaky with a guy who has 8 arms? CW then trains for his official match with Taguchi in a montage that owes a lot to Rocky, as does their match. The time for the big match comes and Taguchi has become...an octopus! It's your classic Octopus vs. Squid showdown - I think the pay-per-view of this is called Seafood Smackdown. CW wins the title and gets ambushed a few days later by yet another seafood creature - The Squilla Boxer! This sets up a boxer vs. wrestler showdown at the end of the movie and a bizarre plot twist I won't spoil for you.

There are some weird cuts in the movie and plot holes but if you enjoy a bad b-movie as much as I do, it's worth a look. If nothing else, there are a few lines of hilarious dialogue and seeing a huge squid shop at a farmer's market with his girlfriend is just priceless. My girl is a saint for watching this with me. :) Here's a clip of The Calamari Wrestler's surprise debut in the ring:

Tonight Will Be Awesome

I'm totally excited to get home from work today. Sitting in my mailbox (hopefully) should be The Calamari Wrestler. Thanks to Netflix, I don't have to get weird looks from some Blockbuster counter jockey for planning my Friday night around a Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter / Carnosaur 2 double feature. Thank you, Netflix, for helping to save some of my dignity.

I have a bizarre taste in movies, I'll fully admit that. I hated Superbad. I think Three Amigos is hilarious. I thought Edward Scissorhands was decent. From Dusk Till Dawn is a high mark of cinema. Don't ask me to explain any of it, though.

I have an attraction to bizarre movie premises, so when I stumbled across this on Netflix, I knew I had to watch it. You can expect a full review tomorrow, but here's the plot summary for Calamari Wrestler: "A gargantuan squid who's captured the hearts of wrestling fans everywhere by winning the championship becomes the object of a sweet young woman's affection. But when other sea creatures start gunning for his throne, he must defend his supremacy without losing his love." Pro wrestling, squids and subtitles...how can this movie be anything but awesome?

In Loving Memory

I don't know if this is a California thing, but it's the only place I've seen it. People put those tribute stickers on the back windshield of their cars, as shown in the acompanying photo. I've never quite understood them. Don't think I'm some heartless jerk - I absolutely think we should cherish those who have passed away. But doesn't Grandma deserve a better tribute than the back window of your Ford Explorer? Is the entire car dedicated to the deceased, or is it just the back window? What if someone else passes away - do they get a separate car, or can you just put a sticker on the gear shift knob? For a more fitting (and lasting) tribute, why not plant a tree that will grow for dozens of years? Can anyone explain this phenomenon?

Hand Washing

While I'm no Germ Nazi, I am slightly weirded out by cleanliness in public bathrooms. Namely at how lax men seem to be in this area. Here's a heads up to the ladies out there - I'd say 1 in 3 men does NOT wash his hands after doing their business. Trust me, I'm in there and I see it. Sometimes I want to follow them back to the table and tell the table they're sitting next to a germ factory.

There was this guy at work (now fired) who would wash his hands before using the bathroom, but not afterwards. Great that he's concerned about his own hygiene but not anyone else's.

We have toilets that automatically flush, as well as soap and paper towels that dispense with the wave of a hand. So when do we get the Target-style doors that automatically open upon approach to combat the 1/3 dirty men out there?

Dear Marvel - Don't Mess This Up

As most of you know, I'm a comic book dork and therefore, a comic book movie dork. Marvel Studios has been a roll lately with Iron Man and Incredible Hulk. They're producing their own movies which means they can cross their characters over on screen. I almost wet myself when they announced Iron Man II and Thor coming out in 2010, followed by Captain America and then Avengers in 2011. For those unfamiliar, the Avengers are a team of superheroes with Iron Man, Thor and Captain America being the Big Three of the group, so they're building to this.

As if I need another reason to love her, my girlfriend and I have been debating over who would be the perfect Captain America. Since I'm a huge fan of him, I'm hoping their casting is perfect. Cap was part of the program in World War II to create super soldiers, then gets frozen in the Arctic and wakes up in the modern day. The character is a strong leader, a military man and a serious badass. So, I present to you my Top 3 Choices to Play Captain America:

1 - Bruce Willis. Sure, he's 53 years old and bald but is there a more badass action hero than Bruce Willis? No, and I will debate anyone on this. Just look at any Die Hard movie or Tears of the Sun, and you know he's got the skills to pull it off.

2 - Kiefer Sutherland. He's a badass on 24 every week, and he's kind of got the look of Steve Rogers anyway. He's 41 years old which may be a bit old - I think Cap is like mid-30s in the comics.

3 - George Clooney. Batman 4 wasn't his fault, so get over it. He was a badass in From Dusk Till Dawn and played military pretty well in Three Kings. Again, at age 47, he's probably too old but I think he could do it.

I just hope to God they don't go with some unknown actor, or some pansy like Leonardo DiCaprio or Matt Damon.

Steve

I'm not really friends with any of my neighbors at my apartment building, although most of them are nice. The weekend I moved in, I met the guy that lives next to me. He's middle-aged, Middle Eastern...and he thinks my name is Steve. I must have met him as I was moving boxes or lifting a couch, and he heard Steve. It's been 3 years and I haven't had the heart to correct him, mostly because I don't have a single clue what his name is. I couldn't understand him because of his accent and I have a terrible memory, so it's not like I would remember.

It makes me cringe a little because this guy could not be any nicer. Every time I see him, he gives me a boisterous "Good morning, Steve! How are you?" *sigh*

I may have come up with a solution on how to bring it up. This is how I imagine the conversation going:

Guy: Hello Steve, how are you?
Me: I'm good, Bob. How are you?
Guy: My name's not Bob.
Me: Well, my name's not Steve.

Steve and Bob then share a laugh, and find out each other's real names.

Cut. End scene.

Sketch

Last night, I met up with a few comedians / writers to work on a sketch show. It felt really good to sit with other creative and funny people. I've never written with a partner, aside from running a joke idea by my girlfriend or my Dad. I'm kind of late coming into this sketch show, and my role is limited at this point, but it still felt good. Inspiring, perhaps. It may be time to dust off my own sketch ideas and start scribbling it out. Details will be posted once a theater date is booked, probably in the fall.

Rapeseed

I frequently have to browse stock photo websites for my job. I was alarmed when I came across a photo, and therefore, a plant known as rapeseed. Holy smack! Could have they picked a worse name for this plant? Elderly abuse field was taken? Kitten death wasn't a scientific enough name? It looks like a lovely plant from every stock photo I've seen but seriously. Seriously.

Elephino

After recently reading about an animal known as the wholphin (offspring of a dolphin and false killer whale), I was curious about other animal hybrids. Mother Nature is indeed a maaaaaad scientist! There's a cama (camel and llama), a slew of panthera hybrids (including ligers, tiguars and leopons - oh my!) and my personal favorite, the zonkey (zebra and donkey)!!!

Anyway, it got me thinking about what animal hybrids I would create, if given an enormous zoo and gene-splicing know-how. Even though it's the punchline of a children's joke, I would love to see an elephino. I already adore elephants and honestly, the only thing that would make them cooler is more pointy things. Throw a horn on and there we go. If I could make a marketing campaign for the elephino, its tagline would be: Three Prongs of Justice. I know animals aren't usually marketed and how much justice it would serve is debatable, but someone call up Dr. Mindbender and tell him I just struck gold.

What animal hybrids would you like to see?

The Art of Excess

I browsed around a store called The Art of Shaving this past weekend. America may have reached a new level of excess with what their website calls a "revolution in men's grooming." If you're unfamiliar, The Art of Shaving is a champion of men's skin care where they offer a $1,000 shaving razor. This razor doesn't talk to you and isn't diamond encrusted - although some models feature a light...for shaving in caves, apparently. All it does is hold your $6 pack of replacement blades. Seriously, America?

Maybe I should retire and set up a badger farm if a $1,200 badger brush is the future of men's grooming. I got a free sample kit of lotion, shaving cream and aftershave while I was there and honestly didn't feel much, if any, difference. Granted, my trusty $4 Rite Aid razor and lack of badgers may have prevented my experience of The Perfect Shave, but I'm going to go ahead and label this store as pretentious.

Just Do Your Joke

Whenever I did stand-up comedy, it always irked me when comics would segue into their next joke by asking an obvious "yes" question. An example would be a comic that has a joke about traffic, and segues into it by starting with "Don't you guys just hate traffic?" then waiting for a response. It would annoy the crap out of me. Yes, we all hate traffic! Just do your joke!! If the response was "No, we love traffic!" - would they have skipped that joke? Unlikely!

I wanted to develop this into a joke itself but never did, for fear of getting jumped at the bar. There was one time I asked the audience, "So, do you guys like movies?" and then just went into my next joke. I don't think they got it. So if any comics happen to read this, you can safely assume that all audiences: hate traffic, are frustrated with cellphone coverage and find dating to be difficult. No need to ask. Just do your joke.

Thirty

I'm turning 30 in a little less than two weeks and I've decided to do something different - I'm going to embrace the hell out of it. It seems a lot of people are sad or ambivalent about turning 30 but I'm going to take it and run. 30 is a great number. It's like my favorite number 9. Times 3. Plus an additional 3.

I remember one friend told me turning 28 was a downhill slide into 30. Sometimes I feel old, sometimes I look old, as evidenced by the white chest hair I found last night. Seriously, God? My chest needs to have white hair, too? Is it to match the white hair in my goatee? But anyway, I don't feel like I'm behind at this point. I've got a wonderful girl, a decent job and I'm happy with life.

However, I have noticed I get more cautious as I get older. Ten years ago, I would have jumped my bicycle off a massive dirt hill and felt an adrenaline rush, as I head back to do it again. Now, I make sure my safety gear is on and the tires are properly inflated. So I'm not afraid of you, 30. You hear me? I'm going to dive into 30 head first. I'm just going to make sure my helmet is secure first.

When I Grow Up

When I was in kindergarten, we had to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we were older. Other kids were drawing themselves as an astronaut or shortsop for the Dodgers. But me? I wanted to be a garbage man. Because I thought they only worked one day a week. They picked up our trash on Mondays, so they must have the rest of the week off, right? You can imagine my dreams were crushed when I saw trash cans out on a Wednesday in another area of the Valley.

Another childhood dream I had was to work at a gas station because I thought they were the only place that had squeegees.

No wonder the teacher and my parents thought I was retarded.

Genius Idea #36 - Celebrity American Gladiators

I admit I am moderately addicted to the new version of American Gladiators. It's cheesy, it's larger than life and it is awesome. For the record, I always root for the Gladiators. It's like rooting for the home team in baseball - you just have to do it. So while laying in bed last night, I was suddenly struck with Genius Idea #36 - Celebrity American Gladiators. Better than that, I think they should bring in some rivalries (real or fictional) to be settled in Gladiator Arena.

My dream match-up would be Ralph Macchio vs. Billy Zabka, a real life rematch of the fictional Daniel LaRusso vs. Johnny Lawrence feud from The Karate Kid. Granted, in American Gladiators, the contenders don't actually fight or wrestle each other, but it would give Billy a chance to prove superiority. "There is no mercy in Gladiator Arena, is there?" "No, sensei!" Hands down, Lawrence would win this one.

Other potential match-ups: Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson and a Saved by the Bell Smackdown: Zack vs. Slater. Surely, this would save their sagging ratings. Who's got a contact number for NBC Universal?

Daily Four

The California Lottery added a new game starting today called the Daily 4. Thank God, because I was looking for something a little bit more challenging than Daily 3, but not nearly as intimidating as Fantasy Five. I swear, it's like California Lottery has been reading my wish list.

I Hate the Wave

Ah, if only The Wave was embodied as a human...I would punch it in the face (assuming it was smaller than me and couldn't fight back). Yes, I know I risk alienating my readers by admitting that I hate the wave. (And to answer your initial question, no, I do not support the terrorists.) Simply put, the wave sucks. It's annoying, distracting and usually initiated by a drunk and/or an asshole.

It may have started off as a good idea to get a crowd into a sporting event, but now it's whenever there is a lull in action. It's done out of boredom. If you're bored at a sporting event, go home. If you're bored at a movie or at your friend's house, you leave. You don't sit in the theater and try to do the wave when Lord of the Rings gets a little slow. At a sporting event, I enjoy talking to whomever I'm with, but otherwise I'm there for the game. I don't go to the art museum to bake cookies, I don't go to a noisy bar to read a book and I will not participate in your wave.

Damn you, Krazy George or whoever really started this atrocity.

PS - I have the same stance regarding beach balls at sporting events. I dream of the day when I can latch onto a beach ball at Dodger Stadium and deflate it in front of everyone.